I am going to a Burlesque dancing class this evening. If I don’t have a stomach ulcer before I get there through worry. I understand I’m a comedian and I’m supposed to be brave with no fear of audiences or people laughing, but dancing...
I have a deep rooted fear of dancing in public. At school I was never formally dance trained – dance classes consisted of the teacher putting on some Enya and then us just moving wildly about the room in a way that felt good and was reminiscent of...nothing. I imagine the results were similar to the result if you were to put everyone at Glastonbury in a leotard and tell them to express themselves after drinking their body weight in cider.
So why am I going? Good question. Well, I’m trying to make the most of London. (Cue Dawson’s Creek music) I live in one of the most vibrant cities in the world and I bet half the people here only ever go to their office and their home. Being a comedian I get to see a lot of very funky places and meet some uber cool people – but there must be more to it?
But there must be more to it than wearing a corset and pouting, I hear you say. Well, yes. There must. But I didn’t get invited to any of that stuff so I’m going to do this instead.
How does one even go about doing Burlesque?
I went to a Bollywood dance class a few weeks ago (I really need to get some less dance based friends) and I would have enjoyed that had it not been for the tendency of my hips to decide to go elsewhere other than their sockets. This is less than helpful. It’s a little bit like my joint saw the hip of the person next to me and thought if it took a giant leap of faith it could go on holiday. It results in me standing stock still while everyone else is shimmying, with a pained expression on my face, trying to put my leg back out of right angles.
I’m fairly certain Burlesque will involve less hip shimmying? I imagine it’s more cleavage thrusting? And I’m pretty sure my boobs won’t attempt to leap off my chest. If they do then I can potentially think of an alternative career lending them to people considering breast enhancement surgery. A sort of, Velcro ‘try before you buy’ option.
So I will update you tomorrow on the fruits of my endeavour. But don’t get your hopes up that I’ll have become all Moulin Rouge in any way. I think it’s far more likely to be Nicole Kiddingmyself than Ewan MacGregor...