Thursday, July 29, 2010

History of the Orange

Did you know that oranges used to be naked fruits?

True story.

Oranges used to be peel-less creatures in the same way that softer fruits are. They also verged on instinction between the years of 1872 to February 1884. The reason for this extinction was that they could no longer protect themselves adequately against bears and foreign objects thrown at them by angry ions in Celtic uniforms during football matches.

The founder of the orange peel as we know it today was an orange called Thomas. Thomas was an adventurous guy, tired of the constant bullying he suffered at the hands of the pears, and, more frequently, the bananas in the playground.

Bananas are self-righteous dickheads to be honest. Not only do they think size matters and that a slight bend is alright, they are also famously proud of their thick skin which allows them to keep out any form of emotion. The banana is, however, absolutely terrified of bruises - particularly the female bananas, as they are the most common cause of 'being left on the shelf.

Well Thomas the orange was getting some serious shit from the bananas one day when he bumped into a seal. Seals are notorious fans of fruit bowls and when given the choice they will choose to inhabit them rather than the sea. Well, Thomas was crying his pips out and there were stringy bits of weird shite stringy stuff weeping out of every orifice.

"What the hell?" Said the seal, kindly.
"I'm super sad today" Said Thomas (who spoke like Dale Winton)
"Why?" Said the seal (who had no distinguishing features about his voice).
"Because that freaking banana keeps picking on me. He's so proud of the thick skin and says I'm just a collection of wet nuggety bits that are full of juicy pods."
"Harsh." At this point it became apparent that the seal was very high, very high indeed.
"I just don't know what to do..." Said Thomas lamely. Lamer than a donkey with four missing hooves.
"Maybe you need a thicker skin?" suggested the seal in a sparkling jolt of enlightenment, not dissimilar to Jordan's decision to marry Alex Reid.

And so Thomas peeled the seal and climbed into his thick grey skin.

This posed a problem for the marketing guys down at orange HQ. A major feature of the orange is that it is orange, and now here was Thomas screwing this up by being slightly grey and baggy.

So they fed Thomas a hell of a lot of cream cheese until he had all over body cellulite and was a pretty rancid looking creature. Thomas was no longer a hit with the ladies but he had a unique skin appearance that the PR guys thought they could work with.

They then sent thomas for lunch with famous WAGs the world over, until Thomas became so paranoid about the paleness of his skin that he insisted on spraying ghastly chemicals all over his skin (but not his feet because that seemed to be the way they did it) until he was completely orange.

He instantly got a call from Ashley Cole asking if he fancied dinner. Thomas said no, loudly, and then called Cheryl to tell her about it before she read it in the News of the World.

"It didn't mean anything, Cheryl, I'm just an orange with a funky coat. I'd never do that to you."

She believed him and their friendship remained rock steady. Who cares about BeBop?

And that, is a concise history of how the orange got his peel. Eat your heart out Rudyard Kipling.

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