So...I'm really grumpy today. I have no idea why I'm grumpy. I just am. Totally grumpy. I am the gumpus. Grump Grump Grump.
I have tried everything to alleviate it and have now come to the conclusion that those around me are going to have to come to terms with the fact that I am now grumpy. I come in a new version. It's like an upgrade if you like. Laura 3.0 - now comes with added scowl.
Those that know me well will miss old features like constant chattering, singing along to the radio, smiling at passers by, turning simple things like walking into games and playing 'Conversational Jukebox' where you have to sing a phrase from a song that relates to the last thing someone said. In place of these outdated features we now have;
* using 'fucking' as a negative description to everything and everyone,
* refusing to suffer fools gladly
* partaking in gladly watching fools suffer
* openly tutting, rolling my eyes and sighing at people
* flicking people in the head that repeatedly piss me off
* inhaling chocolate at a faster rate than is technically either healthy or 'eating'
We at Lexx Enterprises hope you enjoy our latest modern model and think you'll find it a refreshing change to the moronically chipper, let's face it, slightly irritating, version of old. For those of you interested in the live shows, you'll find in place of flights of fancy and whimsical considerations of 'whether poo has personality' will be improved with the addition of screaming fits at the front row and painstakingly detailed analysis of why everyone who is not on my wavelength should be disposed of. Slowly. And creatively.
We've installed these changes just at a point where you'd got used to how to handle the old version and were perfectly satisfied with the way it fitted into your life. What you'll find now is that a prickly version of the modern classic will now be a permanent fixture in your life and you'll be at a loss for how to respond to continual whining and kicking in the shins.
There may be teething problems at the outset but we foresee you'll either start screening your calls and reading text messages through a squint or you'll enjoy having another pessimistic bugger in your usual crew to throw sticks at small children and complain that no one is good enough to sit in the same coffee shop as them.
With all the spare time I will no longer be wasting on looking for the positive things in life, I will have much more time to read the tabloids and come to the conclusion that celebrities are knobs and that xenophobia is a must-have for the winter season.