Thursday, December 30, 2010

Slow On The Uptake

Well blogosphere, how are we all?

I've a confession to make - recently I've watched the Twilight films. I watched them in the wrong order apparently, meaning that I've now seen Eclipse, New Moon (the 2nd and 3rd ones) but not Twilight (the 1st one).

They are not good films.

I know, I know. I'm about 6 months behind the rest of the known world in watching them and coming to this conclusion. I didn't mind watching them - I've tried my hardest to watch only films this festive period (films and Porridge, truth be told) so I quite enjoyed their epicness. They seem to get better the firhter you get into the series. Sadly for me, this meant that I watched it peak and since then have been watching the desire to live drain out of myself.

I've not brought myself to watch Twilight yet, although I'm going to have to, and soon.

I've bee doing a lot of reflecting the last few weeks. I guess when you find yourself doing a Christmas as a singleton for the first time in 3 years, you reflect on what it means. Never, I REPEAT NEVER, do this whilst watching the Twilight films. It will lead to a conversation like this going on in your inner monlogue -

Man that girl is boring.
And pale.
And definitely not fun.
Who is that pale man kissing her and delivering a constant soliloquy about how she is his reason for living?
Wow. He really likes her.
She is not fun. Why does he like her?
Ah, well. Let the boring folk run riot together in their grey little world.
Wait a minute...who is this beautifully sculpted man? Why does he have that squashy nose?
Never mind the nose, he's taken his t-shirt off again.
Why is HE kissing her now?
Why is he saying he'll never give up on her?
I haven't seen or heard her do a single interesting thing yet and all these men are in love with her?
She is not fun.
Wait, who is this beautiful man with a Tom Selleck like moustache?
He doesn't seem to be kssing her?
Oh crap. He spawned her.
I miss Tom Selleck.

My trail of thought will trail off here and I might end up watching 3 Men and a Baby or Meet The Robinsons, but you catch my drift.

Now I'm going to have to watch the first film to find out what she did in that film that was so great that she can act like a drip for two more films and there will still be a puddle of hottie around her ankles humping away wildly and begging her to stay.

I'm hoping she had some kind of super awesome cat fight where she clawed the face off a ho and then stole her fledgling porn career. Poor Selleck-tache-Dad would be gutted but it'd make great viewing.

Of course this blog won't make much sense if you haven't seen the films but then maybe it'll save you the pain of ever being curious enough to watch them. I certainly wish I hadn't. If you see me in 2011 with lank hair, no make up, no smile, and a penchant for doing the stupidest option have available to me then you will know that I have cracked and sacrificed everything in order to snare a manbeast.

Not that either of her options are particularly appealling. Pale face talks faaaarrr too much about 'His reason for living' (ie - MiseraBella) which is all very well and good - but it's not fun.

Hey Reason For Living, fancy doing karaoke?
I can't, I'm contemplating eternity.
Hey Reason For Living, do you want to watch Crocodile Dundee with me?
No, I just can't bear to watch such peril. It reminds me of when you were stupid enough to risk your life over an angsty row we had.
Hey Reason For Living, can I do you from behind?

Reason For Living, are you still there??

But she wouldn't still be there. She would be away somewhere else, because she is not fun. Not that agreeing to be done from behind is a prerequisite for being fun (unless the toilet wall is your bible - 3rd cubicle, paragraph 19)

And the buff one that loves her? WHY IS HE HAIRLESS LIKE A BABY?

He is meant to be a werewolf and yet he has been waxed within an inch of his life. This is not good. Not good at all. Real men have hair. Just take a look at Selleck-tache-Dad...he knows how to do it.

So there you go, now I can go back to my Porridge reruns and a trip bowling with my family. I am an awful bowler...

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