I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today...at all. Nothing humorous has really happened to me today sadly...it's been an uneventful day.
But someone just told me I needed to 'let my guard down'. And it's floored me to be honest. I've always thought I'm fairly open and honest (too open and honest on occasion) and don't really have a problem discussing stuff. Clearly, I keep an entirely self involved blog every day...what's not free and easy about that? But it reminded me of being in told in the past that I use humour as a weapon. An ex boyfriend of mine told me I had comedy armour - referring me to a touching Jason Mraz song with the line 'Your come backs are quick and, probably, have to do with your insecurities.'
He always said that song could have been written about me. It's a beautiful song but not with the most flattering lyrics - for a start it's called 'Beautiful Mess' and contains the line "it's like picking up trash in dresses". See my blog on garbage disposals for my view on Americanised terms, and bear in mind I wouldn't pick up trash in a dress that was anything other than at least knee length. No fouffee on display here thank you very much.
I suppose I feel a bit exposed at being told to take my guard down. How far do you take it down? Is it like a date situation? Can you flash a bit of guard shoulder on the first dinner and then have full on legs akimbo guard by week two? Are there rules on guard letting down?
Is there some kind of manual that says...These are topics it's ok to share NOW. What would happen if y'all clicked an unassuming link tomorrow and I gave you all the details of a monstrous inner thigh rash? I swear I don't have a monstrous inner thigh rash. It's beastly at best.
Beastly at Best may well become the title of my blatantly impending autobiography.
Is it odd that actually I find opening up to complete strangers far easier? Sunday night I had an incredibly surreal late night train ride back to London where I found myself telling someone I'd only known for 4 hours about things my best friend doesn't know...there's a certain safety in that. Like farting in close proximity to an old dog.
There are certain characteristics to my 'guard' which I'm well aware of -
1. I can't make eye contact when talking about serious subjects.
2. I can't talk about serious subjects for more than a few minutes.
3. I hate to be the subject of attention on negative aspects of my life.
4. I sweat through the palms of my hands in all of the above situations.
I think it's natural to not want to burden other people with your problems. It's natural to not want everyone to know you have weaknesses. It's really hard work to allow yourself to try something a bit more open. This blog has been exceptionally difficult to write and I'm still not entirely sure I want to publish it. But maybe it's a good thing...not every blog is going to be like this, but perhaps it's better to be honest and say that somedays this is just the sort of junk that's floating around my head? And maybe, just maybe, not every line that comes out of my mouth needs to be made OK with a joke.
Tomorrow's blog - 'Carving Pi into my arm because Mr Carter wouldn't touch me' and other honest revelations.