I've had a really interesting 24 hours... it's culminated in a massive attack of the blues descending on me this evening but I think I'm going to solve that this evening by eating a lot of chocolate hobnobs and watching The Watchmen with one of my housemates.
I've had a string of thoughts in the last 24 hours that range from really quite profound, to potentially quite profound to downright stupid and only likely to seem profound to severely deprived zoo animals. What I'll do is just list the thoughts I've had and you can choose the labels yourself.
1. A life has to be bigger than the society within which it dwells. If you truly believe in yourself as a person, and in a life that reflects yourself, you need to think of your existence outside the realms of the constraints put upon it by hierarchy, expected norms and patterns of developments. Without the elements of the human mind that make up forward thinking and memory, you have to consider that the only moment of your life that exists is the present. Therefore, the activities that you regularly take part in are the vast majority of your life. I'm beginning to believe that you have to start to see your life as a series of experiences - I think I've lost my grip on the idea that your life is a journey somewhere or a time frame for which you hang your achievements on at the correct age. It's got to be more than that - it's got to be about gathering as many experiences and feelings that pleased you. I'm not sure I can reconcile the concept of being continuously unhappy or dissatisfied whilst maintaining that the discomfort is all in preparation for a day when I will be happy in the future. Happiness has to be a constant or it's only a perceived goal - it's too intangible.
2. Immigrants are inherently racist towards the West Country and this is not something I'm willing to stand for much longer. Growing up I knew practically no one from any country other than England. The best most kids could claim was to have a distant Uncle from Ireland. There was one black kid at my primary school and I still remember his name to this day because it was so unusual. When I got to secondary school there were a few black families but I don't really remember more than about one or two Asian families. It wasn't until I moved over to Kent for University that I was properly introduced into non-white communities.
So, what the fuck is wrong with the West Country? How selfish do you have to be to deprive kids like me of a chance to discover if they're racist or not? Had it turned out that I was racist, then I was robbed of a god 18 years of discriminating before I was allowed to put my behaviour into action. Obviously, it transpired I was as accommodating as Luther King on a good day - but I can't help but wonder how much extra un-racist I would be if I didn't have this chip on my shoulder about them snubbing my homeland. It's like being treated like a second class citizen. So what if we're not a huge city? We have culture, and fields... and lots of pubs and small churches with dull hymns and old people. Give country folk a chance. That's all I'm saying.
3. Oven cooked sausages are far superior to grilled or fried just as poached eggs are the king of the chicken potential styles.
4. Your own wealth, weight and popularity are all concepts that are virtually impossible to gauge cleanly. No one looking in on your life will ever view these ideas in the same way you do. This leads me to wonder whether there is some form of universal truth concerning any of them that it is possible to take as the 'truth'. Am I wealthy? Is there an answer to that which isn't relative? Am I popular - what is popularity? Am I overweight - obesity is easy to diagnose but if you equally ask an anorexic if they're overweight they will say yes... how do you discern what is the normal range?
If there are no central points to measure from for these concepts, how can they have become the focal points that the vast majority of western society revolve round?
And why is there no opt-out? Why is there no where you can live on this planet without having to subscribe to some kind of doctrine of organisation? What if I don't believe in democracy (because I don't think it works incidentally) and I want to go and live somewhere lawless? What if I think gypsy and American tribe life were about as close to perfect as it got and I think we should go back? There doesn't seem to be a box to tick for that, just someone pulling a sad face and saying "Sorry it's too late."
Has it just got too late?
So there you go - make of those what you will. It's a bit noisy in my brain tonight and if I don't find an answer soon I'm scared I'm just going to have to blame the immigrants for all of it.