Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Parting Ways

I have parted my hair on the wrong side today! Ho ha! so, if you see me and don't recognise me, this will be why! I am bamboozling the world through the sneaky use of follicles and a hairbrush. Never underestimate a girl with freshly washed hair.

Now, I know you're achingly keen to find out what effect this has had on my day so far and I will tell you! I have forgotten to bring my phone to work. Now, one could interpret this as a negative thing; obviously flip reverse me is very disorganised (unorganised? Clearly flip reverse me also has no idea about the English language either). However, I have decided to see the positive.

No one can bother me with bad news today! I have a long running theory about telephones... the theory kind of just ends up with me deciding I want an iPad but I'll talk you through it anyway... Now, I love my phone. I love playing games on it, text messages, Facebook, photos... but I very rarely answer the damn thing. There are so many ways to communicate people nowadays that people very rarely call unless they are one of three things;

1. Urgently requiring an answer/response to something they have to tell you. This is usually that they are letting you down, telling you about something hideous or asking you a question which they need you to answer on the spot. None of these are good things.

2. Just calling for a chat. Very few combinations of words fill me with as much dread as someone just calling for a chat. This, basically means that they are bored and you are there chosen choice of entertainment. You have rated higher than Two and a Half Men on ways they want to fill half an hour. It's not that I don't like my friends, it's just that I think Fuck off and find Charlie Sheen. If we're not hanging out, I'm doing something else and you aren't scheduled into my day. You calling for no reason other than you've not seen enough gossip on your Facebook news feed to occupy you, is not going to please me. I will probably be chatting to you whilst trying to do 99 other things and you will not be listened to. I hate to be called for a chat. Texting is the perfect medium for a chat; you can reply when you want, you can put smily faces in instead of witticisms and you can stop replying when you realise your friend doesn't know the difference between your and you're. Perfect. BT were wrong; it's good to type.

3. The final reason you might pick up the phone and call someone? Drunkeness. Again... not a phone call you're going to want to answer. The problem with drunken phone calls is that they only usually occur at the time of day when the phone call could feasibly be an emergency. This means you have to answer. I'm not going to say that the drunken caller uses this to their advantage, but, they are the hardest to hang up on. Not because it's difficult to press the shiny red button of freedom, but because they will most likely just call you back. Drunken callers seem to have no end of faith that one or the other phone is faulty - they just will not believe you're bored of listening to them laughing/crying/asking if they can come over and "watch a film".

For all of these reasons, I very rarely answer my phone... if I've ever picked up your call, think yourself very lucky (so long as the following conversation was good). I hate the beginnings of phone calls too - I find it difficult to talk to people if I can't see their face and so the jerky beginning to a chat is always awkward as you try and work out who is going to speak first. The person calling you will also inevitably start with, "Hi, it's Gerard." at which point you're already pissy with them because your screen has told you that... if it hadn't informed me who it was, do you really think I'd have picked up?! Then you have to awkwardly exchange "How are you... I'm fine"s before you can begin the real point of the discussion.

So, today flip reverse me has really done me a favour. I cannot access social media, I can't take phone calls, I am an email only kind of being for the day... bliss. I mean, I say bliss until I get to the gig tonight and find out that everyone has cancelled and everything is chaos and my darling little speakypod is lying on my dressing table holding onto some very vital voicemails. Oh, don't get me started on voicemails... no, well, hang on, while we're here: A MISSED CALL IS SUFFICIENT FOR SHOWING ME YOU HAVE CALLED. I DO NOT NEED TO PHONE UP AND HEAR YOU SAY, HI IT'S ME CALL ME BACK. Cool. Pleased to get that off my chest.

Now, I'm going to go about my day writing left handed, drinking coffee not tea and driving on the wrong side of the road... see you lot later.

(Throughout our season of Glassblower previews I'm going to be giving my own little opinion on what each of the shows was like in case you care. The first one is below for Nathan Caton. Tix still available for tonight for Stuart Goldsmith and Naz Osmanoglu -

Nathan Caton - Get Rich Or Die Cryin'

Definitely worth going to see this show in Edinburgh methinkums young folkydolks (I'm in a superb mood this morning so there may be excess Flanderisms in my text).

Last night was my first gig with Mr Caton and I was really impressed - as a (sort of) up and coming comedian, I really enjoyed watching someone performing who seems to completely understand how to balance what they want to say with their appearance and their initial presence on the stage. He addresses the fact that people expect him to be a certain way and that he often does not live up to this stereotype. It's interesting to listen to - as a comedian you often know exactly what you want to say on stage, but you first have to understand what people are going to expect from you first so that you can cushion your opinion properly.

The shows is a comfortable show - it's a really nice hour to wander through and get to know a very personable comedian. I don't think it really pushes any severe boundaries but if you've gotten a little tired of stand-up comedians trying to change the world then this is a really great show to go and laugh at. You will laugh. It's sort of hard not to - his comedy is very honest and he seems to really enjoy what he's doing. I particularly like the discussion of various family members; he displays a very real warmth when talking about them and it's hard not to be already smiling along.

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