Thursday, September 1, 2011

Make It A Good One


It's September - I love September. I love the smell, the weather, the trees, the colours, the stuff that happens. Everything about this month is going to be great - I have officially decided. Here is a list of stuff that's going to happen to me this month;

1. I'm going to learn how to paint my toe nails without getting lots of paint all over my toes and then washing it all off. This will mean that by the time summer comes round next year I will be one of those glam people at the beach who looks effortlessly great and has vibrant toe nails. I feel like vibrant toe nails will help to give the impression I am incredibly chic and have everything under control.

2. I will once again consider learning French fluently so that I can happily just up sticks and move there should exactly the right cottage become available. That way, me and my perfect toe nails can go and operate the lock and grow peonies and I will be the mysterious British woman who never talks about her past. The only reason I won't talk about my past is that it's very dull and if the French people knew the truth then the local children would stop thinking I was magic and I would be bored.

3. I'll turn 25. Once I'm 25 I'll start toying with the idea that I'm genuinely going to live past 30. It's occurred to me recently that (very subconsciously) I don't really consider myself living past 30. Not in a morbid sense, I just struggle to cope with the concept of not having completed everything by the time I'm a thirty something. I am officially going to chill out around 25 and start enjoying myself rather than being a little on the irritating side of uptight. Wish me luck with this because it sure as fuck is not going to come naturally.

4. I'm going to write to the people who have made the latest JML hair trimmer advert and tell them that no one sitting on the sofa during the day wants to watch a man go from shaving his nasal hair to his back hair in one easy step. Trimming hair off a man is something only people being paid in cold hard cash should have to do. Removing hair from hard to reach places very nearly caused the premature end to a relationship I was once in; my boyfriend at the time asked me to pluck (yes, that's right, pluck) the stray hairs from his shoulders and back for him. I, like any sane woman, refused point blank and then yakked up a large amount of stomach acid at the thought. He countered by telling me his ex used to do it happily for him... it's not that he was surprised at how quickly I packed up his stuff, called his ex to warn her he was coming and then smacked the tweezers out of his clammy hand... but he didn't ask me to pluck anything again. Gross.

I think that's a fair amount to set myself to achieve in a month - obviously I could start with the big things like getting some money in or achieving something great, but I feel like September is a good month for being manageable.

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