Today is either going to go down in history as the day people realised I had a thus far unforeseen talent for hair dressing, or, the day people finally woke up to the fact that, left to my own devices, I am dangerous.
I've only said four words today: "Happy Birthday" and "Oh, bye". These were to my house mate who left the house when I got up. Other than that I've been very alone. I don't like to be alone; I need company.
So, I was looking at the mirror after my shower and I thought, "Hey, that's a long fringe I've got there." Then I thought I should carry on getting dressed so I can go to the library and work on my play. I would work at home but I'm worried I'll start drafting it in bodily fluids if I don't surround myself with people soon.
Then I thought, "Maybe I should go to the hair dressers on my way to the library." But then the part of my brain that most closely resembles an X Factor auditionee who's gone there for Louis said, "We've got scissors here..." and then I cut my own fringe.
The amount you'll enjoy my new feature will strongly correlate to your opinion on triangles. If you're in the isosceles camp then you and I should probably hang out a lot over the next few weeks. If you're a fan of the film About A Boy starring Hugh Grant and an ugly child, get over here and we'll party. If you're a fan of the game, "Let's list worse things that could be on your forehead" then the Old Kent Road is the place for you today.
Obviously I've tweeted a picture to Lady Gaga so we can find out whether this is self harm or social trend setting. I've not heard back yet but someone on a withheld number did phone me up and laugh for 14 minutes earlier so there's good potential she's delivered a verdict.
I think the only solution is going to be to shave all of the hair off one side of my head so that everyone is very aware that I am making a statement. Then I'll need to think up a good statement or buy so much eye liner that no one bothers to ask me the statement because it's implied that the statement is so obvious that if they don't immediately get it then they are stupid.
Cardigans and skinny jeans are going to be essential for my new look. Unless sellotaping my fringe back on works, in which case I'm fine and I'll be in the library in an hour. If not, I'll be stopping at all charity shops between here and a cliff to try and remedy the situation. It's essential that there is a balaclava somewhere in my house though or I'm just going to slowly starve to death listening to the Jeremy Vine show.
I'm not sure this counts as Super September.