Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time since I left University in 2009. I honestly had no idea I could sweat so much. I've always seen sweating as something other people do because they are either gross or impressive. My body doesn't sweat an awful lot, I go bright red and it looks like all the sweat might be gathering underneath to peer out, but then it inevitably decides to hang about and just make me look uncomfortably puffy instead of escaping and cooling me down.
Yesterday was a different story. I'm sure other people in the gym were looking at me like some kind of mentalist as I examined the droplets of sweat collecting on my wrists as though they were jewels. It was amazing! My hair was sticking to my forehead like a Playmobil character who's recently escaped the mouth of a toddler, my t shirt had reassuring dark patches like I was in a sitcom playing basketball. I was completely thrilled with myself.
I did about 55 minutes of running, bike and cross trainer and then I thought I'd round off my cardio session with about 10 minutes on the stepping machine. I climbed on and thought I would programme it to help me "fat burn" for a few minutes.
It asked for my age: 25.
It asked how long I wanted to step for: 10 minutes, please.
It asked how much I weighed in KGs...
... now, for starters I didn't know exactly how much I weighed. I'd forgotten to check before I started. I thought it wouldn't hurt if I guessed though. However, I have also never really known how KGs worked so I also had to guess that... I guessed I must be somewhere around 122 KGs - it seemed reasonable in my head. So I punched in all the numbers and the workout began.
After 30 seconds my legs were pleading with the rest of my body to find the gym machine equivalent of an elevator and just put us all out of our misery. It hurt. It didn't just hurt, it was miserable... it made my bones bend, I could barely squash the stairs down, I was in agony. What the hell could have gone wrong?
Having showered and left the changing room on a bit of a downer having been so cruelly thwarted at the end of session, I thought I'd quickly check and see how much I do weigh, just so I'd know for the next session. Turns out KGs are a lot bigger than I'd envisaged and I weigh only 55 of them. I'm worried that when I go back to the stepping machine tomorrow and explain the situation it's going to think I've been crash dieting and tell me off for not being sensible. Do I really want to admit to it that I'm that stupid?
So, gym by numbers =
55 minutes of cardio
An overestimation of 67KGs
At least 1 litre of sweat
Oh, and 2 breasts of at least 45 cms in length.
I may not be good at calculating kilogrammes but I know a lengthy breast when I see one and yesterday I saw two and they were taunting me.
See, I decided to use the steam room after my workout so I wouldn't spend all day today aching in the wrong places, I swung the door open and there, lying outstretched on the bench was a quite naked woman with the longest breasts I've ever seen in my life. I looked at her and was immediately uncomfortable. It took me all my strength not to point out the sign that clearly said "No nudity" and ask her to put her wibblers in a sling. But, once I'd opened the door, I felt really rude clocking her and then turning around and leaving straight away so I thought I ought to spend a cursory five minutes in there with Nudey No Pants so she didn't get offended.
It was the most British 5 minutes I have ever endured. She lay like a Greek statue all stretched across the bench while I sat in my swimming costume with arms and legs crossed with my eyes closed hoping that no bum hole vapours were getting into the steam I was breathing in. Then, just as I thought I had done my time and went to get out, she put on some scratchy gloves and started exfoliating. RIGHT THERE IN THE COMMUNAL (tiny) STEAM ROOM. So all her skin particles were suddenly wooshing around the room into my leaving space and I had to stay. Then, when she'd finished, she got up and left. This made me think I should probably stay so she didn't think I was following her. I was hot, flustered, covered in bum hole skin vapours and generally quite cranky with her.
Muscle pain be damned, I am going straight home tonight.