Wednesday, October 19, 2011


This morning hasn't exactly got off to the best start...

As I lay in bed last night, awkwardly trying to fall asleep through the thick buzz of a good gig adrenaline kick, I was worrying to myself that there was no bread in the cupboard. I'd failed to have dinner, had nothing to look forward to for breakfast and sleep was avoiding me. I love breakfast... I literally look forward to it the second I get into bed at night - dinner is optional, lunch has great potential, but those first mouthfuls of sugary cereal or well cooked toast in the morning are heaven. Any man who has the foresight to woo me using fried tomatoes and crispy bacon on a platter meant for a rugby team is likely to have his wildest fantasies fulfilled. So long as those wild fantasies include an enthusiastic midget getting jiggy with a a few baked beans in her hair.

As it turns out I needn't have worried about my woeful cupboard filling... I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at the clock and it said 08:06... normally this would be cue for smiling a bit to myself, rolling back over and wasting an extra 3 hours. However, today I had to be at an office for 9am.

For a second I thought my heart and lungs were going to try and propel us out of bed ont heir own steam by just launching through my rib cage and heading for the shower by themselves. If I'd thought the post gig buzz was hard to deal with the sheer panic of having a head of hair that looked like I'd styled it with Golden Syrup and only 55 minutes to wash it and arrive at my place of work for the day nearly blew my mind.

I just about had time to clothe myself and apply shampoo to various portions of my head. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm currently sitting at my desk for the day with hair that resembles one of those birds you see looking miserable after someone crashes an oil tanker. It's fluffy in all the wrong places. I've also discovered that when you're grabbing an outfit through half clothed eyes whilst already walking out the front door, what might seem like it screams "powerhouse" may actually be whispering 80s lesbian by the time you reach the office.

I feel like everyone knows I'm not firing on full cylinders. I think I might be firing on one cylinder and even that one is a bit dusty. On my way to work it occurred to me that I might start eating the bottom end of the loaf of bread first because that always seems to be the bit that goes mouldy. This, is the type of thought I like to label #idiotgenius - it goes in a box with other ideas I've had like:

If I walk to the gym then I won't even need to go to the gym. Then I won't have to walk there in the first place.

I implore you to get in touch with your own examples of #idiotgenius so that I stop feeling like a complete moron.

I think it's going to be a very long day...


  1. Ok here goes: Sweetcorn doesn't get digested when you eat it, making its nutritional value shit in more ways than one; So it does you as much good whether you eat it with a meal or not, therefore by eating it you may as well not really be eating it; and by not eating it you may as well still be eating it.

  2. If you burn calories while walking then food you eat on the go won’t cause you to gain weight. #idiotgenius