Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Add My Vent

I don't have an advent calendar. I can't see the point carrying on.

This is the one month of the year where you can treat yourself for sleeping well with a small chocolate treat or a pretty picture before you've even started your day... only I don't have one. Advent calendars are like a little Hansel and Gretel trail leading you straight to diabetes central.

As it's nearly 2pm and I'm still sitting in my bed socks, educating myself on the musical back catalogue of Bare Naked Ladies and lamenting my lack of forward planning, it seems unlikely that I'm going to get one today. Unless they're giving them away at the end of tonight's gig as payment. Sweet countdown orientated payment... The average Advent calendar must cost, what, about £3.50? So I could get at least 4 of those in exchange for my "cheque to follow" for this evening's work? Thank you MC rates of pay! Yay! If I wait for my cheque to come in it's going to be way too late for this year's Christmas and I'm going to have to put it towards Easter. I'll phone ahead and see what they say.

*A brief interlude of going to find my phone and slipping down the last 8 stairs because I'm wearing bed socks and my hip isn't working*

OK, so I no longer have a gig tonight. That worked out, er, well. Brilliant. Now I have the time to go to Tesco and get myself an Advent calendar and maybe to find a doctor to find out exactly what's happened to my hip overnight.

I have a crappy hip. It frequently just extricates itself from the rest of my body and just pretends it doesn't know us. It's something most of my limbs have considered doing at some point or other I'm sure, but my hip seems to be the bolshiest part of my body. I can just about walk today if I keep my hand clamped onto my hip socket to stop it grinding painfully.

The issue is that I'm quite scared of doctors and I rarely go unless I'm forced to. In 2010 when I was in Edinburgh and my hip ceased to work at all, unless I was very drunk and couldn't feel it any more, I did go and see a Doctor about the problem and this was the result:

Doctor: Oh yes, wow. No, that's not supposed to do that is it?
Laura: No, it's this bit sticking out here that's the problem.
Doctor: Yes, I'm totally sure that is not supposed to stick out.
Laura: Right.
Doctor: But, it can't be your hip that's sticking out.
Laura: Oh...
Doctor: Yes, you're hip is a very, very strong joint. There's no way it could just pop out like that.
Laura: Right... erm, is there anything else in there that could stick out?
Doctor: No, it should just be your hip.
Laura: Right, but you said...
Doctor: Yes and I stand by it. It just can't be your hip.
Laura: Oh.
Doctor: Would you like some pain killers?
Laura: Yes. And potentially a hip based abortion I guess?
Doctor: Have these and go away now. Thanksloveyoubye.

So I haven't bothered going back since because I've just accepted that whatever is wrong is not my hip but isn't anything else because there's nothing there except my hip.

So all in all it's a silly day because I can't walk, I have a phantom hip and no exciting count down related time piece to keep me sane tomorrow.

Bah Humbug.

1 comment:

  1. I should have read this earlier and i'd have picked you one up. Or I could perhaps just give you the one I was going to give to Colin? ;-)

    RC -x-