Monday, January 6, 2014

The Diary of an Owl

May 15th 1pm

I finally busted out of my egg today, with absolutely no help from either of my parents or my ass hole sister. I managed to crack through it from the inside using my beak and didn't even get a congratulations from mum or dad. Mum just sat on me because she said I looked cold and dad disappeared off "to get food". Yeah right. He's such a prick.

May 15th 5pm


May 15th 9pm

Mum just had a right go at me for being ungrateful when I said I didn't want any dinner if it was going to be more vomit stew. She is such a bitch.

May 16th

I am so hungry. Tried to persuade Dad to just carry something home for me to eat like a normal bird and he laughed, pecked me on the head (which really hurt by the way if you're reading this from owlcial services) and said that his family had always eaten that way. Great. I am the newest in the line of total morons. What the fuck do we have claws for if we're just going to eat vomit? I can't wait to grow up and get out of here. I let my sister have my food. She's such a greedy bitch.

May 17th

Eugh. I just want to get back in my egg. My sister is such a dick, she's so fat she takes up so much space and she's always getting into MY HALF of the nest. I hate her. I wish she'd fall out of the nest and die. It is so boring in here - all we do is sit around all day. Don't mum and dad get it that I can probably fly already? Jesus. My fat fuck of a sister has done nothing but cheep all day.

May 18th

Just noticed some white haired human pillock up a tree near us. He's squatting on a platform and whispering to a big metal thing. I think he's talking about us. I hope he's from Owlcial Services, he has a nice voice. I hope he sees how my sister is eating all my vomit food and my parents aren't bringing me anything different to see if I like it.

May 19th - 10am

What the absolute fuck?!?! My parents have decided to stop feeding me and just concentrate on my sister??!

May 19th - 11am

White haired bloke definitely not from Owlcial Services! He just said mum and dad's decision to only feed my idiot is sister is "a fascinating display of nature at its most efficient". What an owlshole.

May 19th - 11:30am

Tried to show Dad I would eat vomit food after all. My sister hit me and sat on my and Dad fed her instead. This sucks. I'm just going to starve to death because I'm clever enough not to want to eat vomit. Way to go owls. This is why we're stuck in fucking nests while humans rule the world. I can't believe this is happening.

May 19th - 5pm

A whole day without food again. I am literally starving. Where is Bonowl when you need him?

May 20th - 3pm

So weak. Just going to die here in the comfort of my own nest. Goodbye cruel world.

May 20th - 5pm

Oh my God. I do not actually believe this, my mum just rolled me out of the fucking nest?! I am lying on the floor under the tree like some kind of Mowlses in the rushes. This is the worst day of my life. I thought I might die on impact, a merciful end, but I'm so fucking bouncy and small I survived, didn't I? Ah for fuck's sake. Bring on oblivion. I am so hungry.

May 20th - 9pm

Oh great, a bloody fox. You will literally never guess where I am?! Yeah, in a fox's mouth. FFS.

I'm being taken back to his den for his cubs. Jesus Christ. At least eat me first so I can have the satisfaction of being someone else's shitty vomit food. Put me down you ginger tosser! It's my sister you want, she's like, 4 times the size of me. This sucks.

May 20th - 9:20pm

I am back at the den of the foxes. About to be eaten. Just having my head battered around by one of the cubs for a bit first. That fucking white haired guy is squatting outside the den in a pair of chinos talking about how the runt of this litter has been spared my fate because of this meal (me). That's nice isn't it. Someone get Owlton John in here and we'll all sing about it. I hope my mum and dad are really sorry for what they've done.

This is my last diary entry.

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