Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Hey The Man, Do You Have Any Jobs?

Today I had a meeting with a man about getting a mortgage.

I told the man how much money I had saved and how much I earned and he put all the numbers into a computer and then had a look to see if I could buy a house.

In order to buy a two bedroom flat in the place I live, he said I was almost there but I would probably need to just double the amount I have saved for a deposit, and then double my annual income too. Then I could get the mortgage.

He just cheerfully looked me in the eye and suggested I double my annual income and come back and see him when I'd done that.

I work in an industry where I have been doing gigs for the same amount of money for the last 5 years. In 5 years the cost of fuel, food, warmth and walls has gone up an awful lot... but the amount I get paid to do my job has stayed stock still for most gig, gone down for others and disappeared in a lot of cases.

He looked me in the eye and suggested I just DOUBLE MY ANNUAL INCOME.

This happened in the same week I found out my period is still a fucking luxury and the bacon I'm eating to console myself on my luxurious, velvet clad period is going to give me cancer and by the time all the cancer has really settled in and I'm too poor from wasting all my hard earned dollar on these fucking tampons that I know I should quit but I just fucking can't, there won't be an NHS any more and I'll be sticking money in the meter to watch the BBC while my Coca-Cola catheter pumps me full of a liquid that, thanks to Jamie Oliver, I know contains exactly 23 teaspoons more sugar than it should.

Obviously, the sensible choice would be to stick two fingers up to Andrew Lloyd-Webber and go shit on a cat, get pregnant and then just drive around waving my swollen period free stomach at tampon vendors screaming "THIS IS LUXURY YOU SONS OF BITCHES". But it looks like tax credits are also going to get thrown out the window so the baby that I'm using to avoid paying my blood money is going to be really hungry because I don't earn enough to buy a garage.

Unless I move to the north. I have enough money to buy a 3 bedroom detached house in the north. But I'm not that stupid. I know the North is where the SNP live and they're destabilising the blessed union that that Scottish King created several thousand years ago or something.

Obviously I've read Facebook and I know it's the Tories fault. Evil Tories. I can't believe they managed to invent social inequality, sexual inequality, financial instability, capitalism and a housing crisis in the 6 or so short years since they came to power. I miss the paradise we lived in under Labour. Remember the good old years? Remember when we all used to be happy because of Labour? At least the Tories have the backbone to tell us even bacon has stabbed us in the back. Labour just sat there quietly watching us eat it.

"Go on you fat fucks, eat the bacon. Get the cancer. Then you'll need our NHS and you'll be delighted that we're keeping it and you'll keep voting for us and the Tories will never win. Sure, you'll have cancer, but you'll also have bacon and we'll be in power."

What are the Tories doing? Lots of grubby hand rubbing from what I can tell from vaguely skim reading peoples' statuses. They're selling babies and inventing ebola so that we all die and have to buy limbs from the Chinese. Fucking Tories. If only Jeremy Corbyn wasn't made of bacon and had genuine leadership potential.

The obvious solution is a bacon tampon. Roll it up, stick it in and yes you will technically still be paying tax on the tampon but because of the cancer it's ABSOLUTELY GOING TO GIVE YOU TOMORROW you will, overall, pay less tax because you'll be dead. From the cancer bacon is giving you.

I don't even use tampons. I use a moon cup because it's cheaper, better for the environment and better for my body. Tomorrow I'm going to fill my moon cup with bacon and send it to Andrew Lloyd Webber sellotaped to the back of an angry cat wearing roller-skates with a message saying "I don't fuck with your shit Webber, now you leave us alone." That will show people I'm more than an e-petition or a grumpy status.*

I don't even use tampons. I. don't. even. use. tampons.

That means, even someone as fiscally sensible as me who has been exploiting a loophole in the cruelly unjust tampon tax system that is affecting hard working families such as me, cannot afford to buy a house. That's when you know the system is broken.

* Disclaimer, I literally intend to just write this blog and take no action on any social issues that bother me.

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