Thursday, July 30, 2015


Hey Edinburgh festival you sexy little minx,

Yeah, I'm talking to you... you with the many faces and the moist bits that make it impossible to keep your feet dry.

I want to be in you. Like, deep inside you. And then I want to leave and not think about you for a year. Because you're beautiful, baby, but we just wouldn't work long term.

You drive me crazy.

You take my perfect little world and you shake it. Like a baby with a really precious snow globe shaking the fuck out of it and marvelling at the chaos.

So, before I climb balls deep into your magic, I'm leaving myself a little note. It's a bit like in Buffy when Oz tries to chain himself up before the full moon so that he can't hurt anyone. When the fever hits me, I will read this note and your crazy power over me will be gone.

* Nothing that doesn't happen in Edinburgh is very important. You didn't even go last year and the following year of comedy on the circuit has been your most successful yet.

* Anything minor that does happen in Edinburgh has happened in a tiny bubble that no one except you and your agent give a flying fat fuck about. Not even you and your agent will care come September.

* Anything major that does happen to you in Edinburgh is a brilliant bonus. But it is a bonus.

* Anything major that happens to someone else in Edinburgh was always going to happen to them. They haven't got lucky, they didn't take it away from you, and you couldn't have had it even if you'd done their show. Ok?

* That money is gone, sweetheart. It's gone. You spent it on the chance to have your hour a day telling a show that you love. That's what you bought. For some reason you wanted it more than the Maldives. You are an idiot, but it's ok, because it's a festival full of them.

* You need to eat something other than breakfast food on some days.

* You love your show. You loved writing it. You loved previewing it and you sincerely thought it was the right show to do, to tell and to be proud of. Please don't change your mind because one person saw it once, didn't like it and then printed their dislike. Their opinion is not more valid than yours so don't let it be.

* Go and see other people's shows and enjoy the festival. Edinburgh should not be looked at from a pinhole camera in your room where you're holed up with a scribbled out copy of your script and the latest recording of the show. Be the artist you've told all those online magazine Q&As that you are and go and see some of the shows you've proudly pronounced are your hot tips.

* Don't drink everyday. Maybe cut this one out and keep it for September too?

* Be nice to yourself. You're not the worst, there is no best, and you've done well to write a show that some people will love. Be nice to yourself.

See you soon,

Wednesday, July 8, 2015


Me: Oh, hey tennis! How are you? It's been a while!

Tennis: Yeah, about a year. I had a great time with you last year...

Me: Me too...

Tennis: But then you didn't call...?

Me: No, no, I didn't. God, I'm so sorry, I don't really know what happened.

Tennis: Well, if you feel like hanging out some time let me know.

Me: Oh, hey, I'd love to. I'm kind of busy this month but... oh sod it, do you fancy a coffee now?

Tennis: Sure!

*Coffee is refreshing. Me and tennis smile nervously at each other, enjoying this once familiar feeling*

Tennis: Well, that was great. I've got a dinner to go to now, you're welcome to come too, but I know you said you were busy.

Me: Pah, it can wait... I'd love to come for dinner.

*Dinner is delicious and satisfying.*

Tennis: Any chance you fancy coming to a rave?

Me: Hell yes!

*Me wakes stumbles out of a bar three weeks later having not slept, eaten or spoken to any loved ones. Tennis looks glorious and captivating but Me looks dishevelled and has a billion missed calls. Tennis has it's own drawer in Me's room and has replaced the full fat milk with soya. Me doesn't remember changing Tennis to Bae in it's phone but it seems to have happened. Me is wearing a leather jacket that it neither likes nor feels comfortable in.*

Tennis: Babe! We're going to France! Ferry leaves in an hour, are you coming?

Me: Fucking hell Tennis! How do you do this? This is why we didn't talk for a year! ONE COFFEE... Oe coffee is all I said I wanted and now you've practically moved in with me. Jesus, I just need some space. I just need a break. I love you baby, but I just can't live like this.

*Tennis and Me go their separate ways.*


Me: Oh, hey tennis! How are you? It's been a while!